Forgiveness Can be a challenge ... a very raw and personal post.
( A story that is intended to inspire a healing process in those who are struggling with it)
(Picture here of my mother and myself as a little one.)
A few days after the International Mother’s Day (the UK celebrates it in March), I wish to honour my mother.
Those who know me very well know that I had a difficult upbringing and a very bad relationship with my mother. Suffice it to say that when I flew over to Germany from Hong Kong, where I lived at the time, for the funeral of her untimely death at 65, I stood at the large family tomb where she was laid to rest, and was exceedingly glad that she was finally gone!
Throughout my years on this earth with her around I did not feel safe, accepted, wanted, treasured, and loved for who I was and am. Rather, I felt the bitter resentment from her that I was not a boy, I never measured up to her extremely high expectations, simply, I was not good enough. She displayed many classic narcissistic traits. I was a huge disappointment, constantly compared to other kids, neglected and abandoned into my own little world, left for abuse and sexual harassment as a little girl, and the list goes on.
It took me decades to work through to forgiveness, and now at nearly 70 I can confidently say that I have 100% totally forgiven her, from my heart, not just from my head! Although beyond the veil, I have a cherished and loving relationship with her, now.
What happened? Well, two major aspects: I decided to really understand her life, her childhood, etc. from her perspective … imaginatively walking in her shoes.
My mother had a complex family upbringing. Her mother, my grandmother, came from a very old German aristocratic and nobility lineage, related to Bavarian royalty. Her father was a very wealthy highly educated lawyer and judge of Jewish descend with a pharmaceutical family legacy.
Her parents' personal tragedy and complicated family history shaped her into the person she became. Plus, her family lost virtually everything due to the World Wars. They were in a position to save and get many Jewish people rescued. My grandfather died when my mother was only 19. Stories abound around much trauma and hardship she, her mother and her four siblings endured.
She fought hard to achieve the highest possible grades to become a top qualified clinical pharmacist ... all during WWII, and at a time when women did not typically go to university.
And the other aspect, coming to the fullest realisation that without forgiveness, letting go of all the perceived wrongs, I perpetuated in my own prison. Being my own cruel prison guardian that not only affected my own life, but also the life of my family, my dearest loved ones.
I was stuck in a self limited life. You see, it is never about the perpetrator, it is never about what happened to you, but how you interpret, personally frame what happened and how you deal with it.
You are not responsible for someone else’s wrong, but you are responsible for your own healing and way out of your own personal prison. And you are responsible to lovingly create boundaries that honour your own sovereignty.
When I let go of the tremendous load of baggage I had allowed to accumulate throughout my life, I realised that I had attracted people into my life by whom I experienced virtually the same or similar as from my mother. Once I let go, I opened the door to walk free.
Yes it is true, you will continue to walk in the vicious deadly circle, attracting the same over and over, until you learn your lesson of complete forgiveness, letting go, and then honouring your own authenticity. We are here on this earth to learn the lessons of forgiveness!
My biggest example came from someone dying on a cross saying, “Father forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing!”
Once I walked in peace re all that had happened, I started seeing how truly amazing and pricelessly precious and special my mother was!
I deeply appreciated her own wounds, battles, traumas, loneliness and devastations. She was trying to love her daughter from a wounded self that was still bleeding.
Throughout her life her dreams were cut short. Her dreams withered on the vine. She was a victim of her time. She reached new heights and then was badly pushed back down to suffer.
(Picture of my mother and father shortly before her death in 1985.)
Once I was able to extend compassion and forgiveness to her, my love for her started developing.
Also, the moment I was able to fully forgive her, my Spanish cousin (grandfather’s side ... I have more relatives in Spain than Germany now...), started sharing some significant research into our ancestry findings with numerous pictures and copious documents. I came to realise that I was and am on an ancestral soul trajectory of divinely healing others as a mission for my life.
Why do I write all this on a public post on the Internet, you might wonder? Well, my mission is to offer hope, healing and joy. There are millions of people who have sustained great suffering and trauma at the hands of those close to them, and forgiveness can be hard to work through!
So, yes, I am a psychologist, so yes, I have university degrees under my belt, so yes, I have textbook knowledge, but I also understand that I need to be relatable to the people I am divinely chosen to help. I need to be relatable to my clients first.
Most likely you have been through far worse life traumas than I had. Most likely you have been through situations that others would not have coped, and did not cope. So, kudos to you for still being with us, and willing to heal and move forward, willing to be a shining light of hope to those in your life.
If I can walk by your side and be an encouragement, be an inspiration, be a guide for transformation in your life for the greater good for us all, I would be deeply honoured! Yes, I availed myself to holistic psychological healing tools, plus essential oils specifically chosen to work on the cellular level of trauma and PTSD. This is something I also offer my clients!
To complete, I read the following earlier on and it spoke to me, it might speak to you, too:
“As an empathic woman with intuitive gifts, it can take a lifetime to come into your full power and claim your truth.
This is especially true for those of us with a great deal of childhood trauma to uncover and resolve-- making it feel massively unsafe to rise in your sovereignty” (Carla Savetsky)
Are you willing to claim your truth?
Much love to you